Broken Promises

Its something when you don’t realize that the person that was ruining the relationship you had with your boyfriend was not your boyfriend but your own self. When someone was just being so nice to you and giving all the attention you could have ever want but you don’t even realize that that person is right in front of you, you break down and cry. That is exactly what I did tonight. You constantly throughout the relationship wonder whats wrong with him? Why is he not like the others? Why do I feel unhappy with him? These are the questions I constantly asked myself in the beginning of my relationship. I subconsciously knew I was but I could never really bring myself to formally ask these questions aloud. From the start I knew I was being mean. I just did it anyway. I thought, guys treat girls like this and girls treat guy a certain way. I honestly thought I was nice. Most times, I honestly thought that I was always putting him before I and had his best interest at heart and really, most of the times I truly did. It was those sometimes that I would forget that he really just cares about me. That he really just is trying to help. That he really was being nice that I would forget that he was human and I would treat him like he was not. I was a very mean girlfriend. I honestly remember times where I would honestly just give him the worst silent treatment because he was just trying to help but I was having a bad day. He tells me I cut him off a lot for pointless reasons at times and I subconsciously get mad at him because I feel like my words are more important than his. I tell him petty little things that are wrong, restricting him from the things that he enjoys and the fun he wants to have because he does not care as much and I want my way a little more often than him. I honestly was horrible and it only affected us and yet I wondered, what was wrong with him. I feel so stupid. I wanted him to change so much to the person I was forgetting that I don’t like myself very much, and he did. He changed into a cold person. He changed to a caring boyfriend who had a quick temper that was never there before, a sometimes hard to communicate with and overall happy person but only when he was with me. That’s when I realize, he was perfect; all along, he was one of the best people I could ask for but I could not see it. I thought I was now happy and I was getting closer to him but all along he just wanted to spend more time with me but we were having less quality time together. It was not until I was reading aloud our past messages that I had realized, the very thing that he became was a product of me. I made his heart cold, I changed what we argued about, I made him realize that everything was a problem just like me. And I started treating him like this at least a month after we met. So as I continued reading our past messages, I wanted the old him back. I wanted what made him so easy to talk to, I wanted everything I destroyed back and I wanted someone who was not me. And I think that’s what made us work in the start, it was because he was not me. I never liked who I was. But the thing is that I changed him. The only way to make sure that I get him back is to become the person he was and in doing so, change who I am now to make him see that I was never good for him but I want to start being the best he could ask for and finally be as happy as I could be.

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